It’s an outlet that requires strength, focus, determination and grit – cultivating a resilience that can only be achieved once you’ve pushed your body to its limits.
Despite all of this, I still found myself struggling with a severe disconnect between my outer self and inner self. Whilst my outer self was seemingly strong and disciplined, my inner self was anything but.
Deep down I wasn’t just neglecting my feminine, I was being outright nasty to her.
No amount of hard work or brute strength allowed me any reprieve from insecurity, and most of the time, my head wasn’t a very nice place to be. Something needed to change, but what?
As an eldest daughter and big sister, hyper-independence was practically my birthright, and I naturally gravitated to more masculine roles. So much so that over time, I completely lost touch with the softer, more sensual side of myself.
My life had become entirely focused on being self-reliant, and whilst that had its merits, something was missing. I needed to engage in a practice that helped me reconnect with the delicate, graceful energy that I had spent so many years unintentionally trying to squash and make small.
One week later, I stepped into my very first pole studio.
At first I thought I had made a HUGE mistake – I had very little in the way of a dance background, and more importantly, I didn’t have a clue how to “let go” and move my body in a way that celebrated sensuality and flow.
Not only that, but walking into a room full of mirrors in no more than my underwear seemed like adding more fuel to the self deprecating fire that was my inner monologue.
My first few classes were unsettling. I was used to focusing on muscle and technical precision, which to a degree were both transferable skills, but pole also required something completely foreign to me: confidence in how I moved. This pushed me to confront insecurities that climbing never did, which was feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Like anything though, practice makes progress – you just have to keep showing up.
So I did. I kept moving with the rhythm of the music, kept learning to trust my body in a new way, and kept tapping into my sensuality until I eventually began to uncover parts of myself that had long been buried.
The more I committed to my new found expression, the more I began to feel a shift in my daily life. I walked taller, spoke with more assurance, and began to embrace my femininity as something fiercely powerful rather than a vulnerability.
Pole isn’t only about conquering tricks, but conquering the inner critic too (which is much more fun in 9 inch heels and sequins).
So if you’re reading this and have ever felt disconnected from your true sense of self, or feel like there’s something inside of you screaming to be expressed but you just don’t know what, I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and try something that’s the complete opposite of your life as it stands today.
Maybe all you need is a little balance. The hardest part is taking that first step, but the woman I am today is forever grateful to the girl who faced those few hours of discomfort, because she saved herself a lifetime.
Here’s how these pages looked in the megazine:
