The promise of a dream held for over a decade, finally becoming a reality, is exciting. Except when you have to leave everything behind.
Journal Entry
Wednesday June 26th, 2024
(5 days before departure)
Though this is scary, and I told my friend Hope I’m terrified, it is exactly where I’m meant to be and what I’m meant to be doing. Which makes sense because the initial I’m doing this felt decided for me not by me. I’m trusting God’s nudges.
Journal Entry
Saturday, June 29th, 2024
(2 days before departure)
When I focus on the realisation of not knowing when I’ll see loved ones again, every organ under my skin disappears, and the emptiness is an echo-y hollow ache. I’m sleeping my last night in my room tonight, too (for the next few months), and it feels strange. Though I like the total minimalist vibes.
Let me share something interesting with you. Well, this whole adventure will be fascinating, so let me share my first interesting insight with you.
To those I said see you later on the first day: I cried as I drove away. Blurry-eyed again, every organ disappeared once more, leaving behind a hollow ache that drowned my whole body.
I should have realised that feeling would be amplified when I dropped my parents off at the airport a few days later. I drove away with the same heavy emptiness but with the added unease of not being able to see the road through my tears.
But, here’s the funny thing: five minutes later… I was on cloud nine. I was singing along to my ‘Roadtrip Playlist,’ driving with the windows down and fully being present.
Now, the moment you take that first long-awaited step on a journey you’ve dreamed about for more than
a decade, that is a step into another plethora of emotions. Especially when you’re met with a level of anxiety you’ve never experienced before.
Friday the 5th of July was my first completely solo day, which I began by watching ‘Inside Out 2’ at the cinemas. For those who haven’t seen it yet, I’ll wait…
Okay, so you know Riley gets some new emotions, and Anxiety is one of them. I look back now and think it was so fitting, if not divinely guided, that I watched that movie on day one because I learned Anxiety was something I could personify in myself and understand what its true purpose was.
(Thank you, Pixar! I’m available for any job, internship, or chair in the musty, cobweb-covered corner of a writer’s room you have on offer).
Journal Entry
Wednesday July 10th, 2024
(10 days in)
Friday through to Monday morning I got a lot of anxiety. Unfriendly thoughts going through my head and paralysing worry at night.
I would park in a place where I saw other vans and nomads. But instead of getting the car and myself prepped for sleep,
I would sit and watch everyone and everything happening on the other side of the windscreen. I was actively looking for threats, cops to get me in trouble, and shadows that would open my car doors. For an hour every night, I would wait for something to happen.
And you know what… nothing did.
I cried almost every day, overwhelmed by the brimming emotions. And on the days I didn’t shed a tear, I had a physical, invisible weight slumped across my shoulders. Doubt constantly constricted my chest. Would this fear and uncertainty be how I would feel for the next four months?
I didn’t want to continue if it would be.
Before I left, friends and curious strangers asked what I expected the experience to be like. I’d said, “I have no expectations. I’m not sure what it’ll be like.” And that was true.
But I was soon asking myself, is this really what I signed up for?
I also didn’t want to go home and have to explain to everyone who expected me to be doing my Lap of Australia why I wasn’t. Atop the cake made from layers of anxiety frosted with fear, I placed the people-pleasing cherry.
I couldn’t change my plan! I couldn’t do what I wanted! That’s not how life works… right?
On Sunday, the cake was made, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to lie in it. Wait. I’m getting my metaphors crossed. Anywho, I spoke to two trusted friends, their advice was this:
It does get easier (give it a week).
My cousin Krystin said “I know you, and your heart. Maybe give yourself two weeks.” I laughed because I had thought exactly the same thing only moments before.
It will be worth it & you’ll enjoy it.
Just keep your mind busy. This turned out to be the best practical advice! And (future Imogen speaking here) all these feelings have definitely been worth it.
I expressed safety concerns and described sitting and worrying at night, to which my friend, Munae, said, “There is a fine line between scared and vigilant.”
She never told me to be afraid; in fact, she assured me that the town I was in and would be passing through would likely be safer than where I grew up. That gave me another layer of encouragement.
(Future Imogen again. It was incredible how friendly all the towns I passed through were! People would always look you in the eye and smile. Some would even say “Hi”, and almost everyone was keen for a short chat. Returning home to the Gold Coast was a tremendously unwelcome shock after that wonderful experience!)
You will meet so many incredible people. And I did! That pivotal Sunday afternoon, I met Mackie and John, a married couple in their fifties, travelling in their van. I approached them sitting at a picnic table in the afternoon’s promising glow and asked them if the car park we were in was a place we could stealth camp for the night. What I expected to be a one-minute conversation turned into an hour
and a half!
(Road Trip Lesson #1: Never leave the car without your jumper. You think you’ll be a minute, but you never know.)
John and Mackie told me about their kids, life on the road, struggles and secrets. God came up, and they prayed for me. Mackie gave me a book she said she’d read for the first time at 26 (and here I am at 27 reading it). Mackie also wanted to bless me with a small gift, as if their time, advice and books weren’t enough! She gave me a delicious-smelling bar of handmade soap she’d picked up on her travels. And ON TOP OF THAT, they asked if I wanted to follow them to the camp spot they would check out for the night.
I said yes, and thank you, and God bless. This couple was right there when I needed a final hand of encouragement to keep going. I’d spent hours on the phone that afternoon with two friends who know me better than most, and though their words were encouraging and advice was sound, God must have known I needed a little more.
This was the first encounter of the road trip that made me feel that God was looking out for me and helped me realise that there are good people out there who are kind to strangers and support them where they can. I had received encouragement and assurance that the journey would get easier and that I wouldn’t feel these feelings forever, but I still had to decide what to do about my route.
That evening, parked not too far from Mackie and John, I called my parents. I spoke to Mum and Dad about the advice and encouragement from my friends and wonderful strangers. I told them my desire to change my plans and not do my Lap Around Australia shackled to the thought that I had to because I said I would. My parents gave me one last piece of advice:
Go to the places that bring you joy.
They reminded me how long I’ve been dreaming of doing this road trip and that I was only seven days in (four days on my own). They told me I could change my mind, my plans. But I couldn’t do that. Could I?
I had to stick to my word. I resisted the idea until Mum said these magic words…
This is still the spectacular Imogen lap. It’s just a little wonky.
“…it’s just a little wonky.” That line got me. I was in. What a story! Aussie girl embarks on a wonky lap of her country, ‘cos why not? I’m a type 4 enneagram, known as the Individualist. One of Type 4’s defining characteristics is that we like to be different and seen as distinct from others, so when Mum said that, the resistance toward changing my mind released me. Doing whatever I wanted, that sounded like a fun plan.
Gasps! Shock! Horror! What about all the people back home expecting me to do a “Lap of Australia”? What will they think? I’m not sticking to my word, I always stick to my word. What madness is this?!
And so, I began a side quest: shrugging off the expectations of others (and secretly the expectations I didn’t realise I placed on myself). For my well-being, I would become okay and comfortable doing something other than what I initially said or intended.
My parents helped me realise that I can do what I want, go where I want, and change my mind at any point in time.
I am in control of my decisions. And it’s ironic, really, because I didn’t truly feel like I was even allowed to go on this journey until I was no longer living with them.
This first week of my journey taught me to call on the people who have been through what you’re experiencing, the people who know you better than anyone else, and those who are currently in the same phase of life because you’ll get tremendous insight, advice, and encouragement from them. Then, it’s your job to take it on board and apply it.
Looking back I’m so proud of myself for getting through that first week, for reaching out for help, for deciding to continue, and for the way I acknowledged and dealt with these overwhelming feelings. Week one was a challenge. It was hard.
But every great story starts with an inciting incident, and this kicked my heroine’s journey—The Spectacular Imogen Lap—off in spectacular fashion.
